similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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