so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
