I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
