Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
