I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
