I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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