He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
