Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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