he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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