then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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