ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
