Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
