defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
