Did you just see the Batmobile???
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
