Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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