i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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