ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
