I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
