that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
