Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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