I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
