hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
