So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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