Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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