i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
