he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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