ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
