Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
