if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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