Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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