my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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