what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
