haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
