Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
