My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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