Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
