i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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