he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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