turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
