My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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