I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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