So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
