His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
