If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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