I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
