Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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