I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
