I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you had me at cake vodka
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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