Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
