She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
