Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
