the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
